Dear Lauren: What if we want a child free wedding?

February 23, 2024

Dear Lauren: What if we want a child free wedding?

What if we want a child free wedding?

We can't decide on whether or not to have kids at our wedding. This is such a hard decision. I don't want to make my friends and family angry. It is OUR wedding though, right? We should be able to make the decision without fear of the reactions. Please help!

Dear Distressed Couple: Thank you so much for reaching out about this topic. It is a very common issue for couples to figure out. I will answer your question in two different ways. First, as a recent Bride myself and then as a wedding pro. Hopefully, this will help guide you to your perfect decision.

The Bride's perspective: Yes, it definitely IS your wedding day, and you can do what you want. Do not let others dictate what you choose for your event. Well, that is harder in practice though. Everyone has some sort of agenda in regard to your wedding, it seems. Yes, we wanted everyone to come to the wedding. But we didn't want a bunch of screaming and complaining kids there either. So, we decided that only the kids in the wedding party were allowed. Relatives complained about other family members complaining at holidays after the wedding. "Well, I just won't go to Christmas that year then!" Let them all complain about it together, without me. I didn't care to hear that. I thought that if it was important enough, they would find a babysitter. I assumed that, either the parents or grandparents would skip the wedding to be with the kids so the other couple could come represent their family and support us. Never assume anything with weddings. Everyone has their own priorities. You just have to find yours.

We planned accordingly for the kids in the wedding party to be at the reception. We had a pizza bar, a candy table, lawn games (nobody used these!), a photobooth for them to have fun with. Their ages are from 8 to 14 years old. Their grandparents planned to take them home after a while so they wouldn't get bored. The tween boys danced a bit but otherwise played video games. The girls had a blast on the dance floor and in the photobooth. They all loved the glow sticks at the reception. So, I guess the kids' part for us went well enough. They had fun and didn't "bother" the adults.

My only regret is that one friend of mine could not come because she didn't have a babysitter. I felt I couldn't tell her to bring her kiddo when I didn't allow my blood family to bring their kids. Well, the blood family members didn't even come. So, that part didn't work out. My lesson there was to have people there who you love whether or not their kid comes. Shame on me. Learn from my mistake.

The Wedding Pro perspective: I do tell all my clients to do what is best for them. Again, this is so different based on who is coming, and the ages of the kids present. Some events, the kids run wild. They slam the doors, jump off the railings, run around the lake, throw food everywhere, scream and run around. These events, the parents seem to have no motivation to parent their children. This strains our staff members as we are not scheduled for babysitting services. The end of the night clean-up is like we had a frat party earlier. Those nights are hard for us. One event, a child kept running towards the canal behind the property. The Mom said "don't worry. He won't jump. Leave him alone." We can't do that. The kids have to be safe at all times.

Since we are a family business, we seemed to be more equipped to handle these situations. My Daughter and I take turns playing and checking in on the kids. This helps some. The kids in these situations are just bored. The adults are ignoring them because of the wedding festivities. They need some fun also. I understand that. The little ones, up to 6 years old, are the fun guests at parties for us. They listen to instructions, like to dance and have snacks and are truly just looking to enjoy the time. But, as we all get tired, so do they. They need naps and diaper changes. Sometimes, they need their Mommy to just hold them. "Aunt" Lauren can only do so much to make them happy though. They call me the Baby Whisperer at work. The kids love me, and I really enjoy being with them. Kids are people too. They just need to be included. You have to make sure they are thought about and have fun activities as well.

Other events, the kids are better than the adults. Respectful, clean and enjoy the event. This is our dream! Easier, less stressful event, easier cleanup. There is nothing to be done about kids and the messiness. They are not able to eat without making a mess. Just figuring out how to eat a strawberry or grape without it leaving their plate is a challenge. We keep an eye out for runaway fruit at events with kiddos. This is normal. We understand that. People ask all the time why kids are the same price per head at a reception, this is why. What they don't actually eat, they mess up or waste in food. It is a tradeoff.

Footwear is important for kids as well. Tuxedo shoes are not comfortable. Even kid sized dress heels are not comfortable. They need some tennis shoes or sandals for after the ceremony. Comfort is key to their happiness. A change of clothes is also crucial for the reception. And diapers are a MUST! This is a common forgotten item that we do not keep on hand. Everyone is focused on the wedding details so normal everyday items get forgotten. I suggest making a checklist of items specifically for the kids attending the wedding reception.

I always suggest that the kid's devices and favorite pillow or blanket be brought. Most people say that they kids won't need these things, but they surely do. The noise of a reception is loud and chaotic for some of them. They need some of their comfort items with them. This helps so much. They can use the dressing room(s) to get away and chill for some time if they need it. Sometimes, clients bring a TV for the kids have in one of the dressing rooms. They can then feel that they have their own space. It makes a real difference to them.

Another option is to hire a professional babysitter, either to be on-site at the venue or at a nearby location with the kids. If on-site, you can also choose to pay a younger cousin to babysit. The tweenagers are "bored" at weddings. Paying them to sit on their phone in a room with the kids is a win win! They will be on their phones anyways during the reception. Who wouldn't want to be paid for doing what they loved?

No matter what, if the kids are invited, you must make arrangements for them. Just bringing coloring pages and crayons is not enough. Sidenote: crayons stain white linens which you may be required to replace at your venue. Check on this if you are having crayons. An option is to have a "kids" table with a high-quality plastic tablecloth to keep fabric linens from being destroyed. Regular thin table covers tear and won't last the hours of the reception time.

There are pros and cons to every decision you make for your wedding. You just need to be prepared for the outcomes whichever way you choose. There is no perfect scenario with kids. All we can do is to best accommodate their needs and hope they enjoy the evening you have prepared for them. All everyone wants is to have a wonderful wedding celebration together with family and friends (and the kids too if you choose).

My favorite memory of a kid at a wedding is this: The ring bearer was maybe 6 years old. Everyone was lined up and ready to walk out for the ceremony. He was looking very sad at that moment. I asked him what was wrong. He said "They gave me this empty ring box to carry. I am not the ring bearer if I don't have the rings. They don't trust me. I am not walking down the aisle." Poor little guy, I thought. I told him I had a secret to tell him. I bent down and said quietly "The ring in the box was not important, but only the wedding magic he had in that little box. He was tasked with making sure that magic got down the aisle and to the minister. Without it, the wedding could not go on." He smiled really big and said "Wow, I didn't know that! They can trust me with this job. I will carry the magic!" He walked down the aisle with a huge smile on his face. After the ceremony he asked me if he could keep the little box because he needed to guard the magic forever. Seeing as it was not a fancy box, just a paper one. I took the liberty of telling him yes. He carried that little box around all night long and left with it that night. I will never forget that little boy. He just needed to be included in this big person occasion. He went from sad and annoyed to the most trusted person at the wedding! He was just precious.